L'Chaim!

So I have been terrible at blogging. This was supposed to be the one thing that kept any sanity in my life. Well, not to say that there hasn't been sanity, it's just...different. So, I had my final chemo this past Thursday! HOORAY! This has certainly been a journey, not one that I would want anyone to have to go through. In a month my hair should start growing back. I'm taking bets as to what color and texture it will be :)

I now know what it's like to have to be shut up in the house because I have no immune system. That only happened once, but it was scary nonetheless. I have never been good at accepting or asking for help from others, I am usually the caretaker. This reversal has been difficult for me and I am still learning how to  deal with it. The Red Cross has set up shelters in the area due to the flooding of the Mighty Mo. It has been a helpless feeling to not be able to do what comes so naturally to me: run a shelter. But in the end, after the doctors and everyone told me NO! I have come to accept it, almost gracefully.

I always thought I would have a spiritual experience during something like this. My spirituality came not in the form of angels hovering above me but in the form of seeing the Universe all around me. Sri Krishna says to us the Bhagavad Gita "...Be humble, be harmless, have no pretension..." I think this is something that I have learned more of. I will have a Mikvah when this is all said in done, a ritual cleansing in the Jewish faith. I will say my prayers and rededicate myself to the Universe for the blessing of Life.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned during this journey, but even more so, I am ever grateful for the strength I have found in myself, my friends and family, and most of all, in Love.

Note to C

Dear Cancer,
You took my hair. You took my boobs. You took any sense of regularity I had, and because chemo likes to kill my blood cells, you inadvertently took those as well. But let's be clear: you will not take my love for Taco Bell Fruitistas. You will not take my desire to see good in the world, and you certainly won't take from me my outlook.
Thank you for your time.
~me

Babushkas

So as you know I made it to day 14, but my doctor was right. I was bound and determined to be the one patient that could prove her wrong about losing hair to chemo. Turns out I was wrong and she knew what she was talking about. Duh. So because my hair was so thick, I lost a lot of it before it became noticeable. Eventually it did and it had to go. While losing my hair, I was traumatized. Seriously. Every time I touched my head clumps of hair would leave it. I think it was worse than losing my boobs. Isn't that strange? I would have thought it to be the other way around. So Monday night was "D-Day" for me. It took two really great friends and a glass of wine. And now, we all (yes, you read that right) look like Sinéad O'Connor or GI Jane, whichever your preference. But I have to say, I am not as traumatized anymore. I think it was harder to make the decision and have my hair fall out, but as as several someones have said, I won. So, now I have a bubushka on my head, tied in the back of course! And you know what, I kinda rock the look! :)

Day 14

I have been TERRIBLE at blogging! Honestly, I haven't had any energy to do it. My energy level is nil. I think I must have been a cat in a past life because it seems as though all I do is sleep. I did go back to work this week  and that has been awesome. I'm with all my girls and that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is that my hair is actually starting to fall out. I was counting down the days and sure enough I made it to "Day 14-D Day" and was ready to tell the doctors that the 10-14 days doesn't apply to me (when hair is supposed to fall out). Sure enough, there were other plans for me. I was sitting on the couch yesterday afternoon running my fingers through my hair. Handfuls of hair. Enough to make a birds nest with. I'm determined to not cut it yet. Maybe that's all the hair I will lose....My hair is to me what Samson's hair was to him before Delilah cut it in the middle of the night....

Yul Brynner and Seams

Imagine this: a father and his daughter are sitting in the doctor's office. The daughter turns to her dad "Pop, I'm not ready to lose my hair." "That's ok. There are plenty of bald people in the world. Telly Savalas. Yul Brynner. Sinéad O'Connor.There is also Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel and Samuel L. Jackson." Nice. Honestly, you had to have been there. I was literally bursting at my seams. (Yes, this is an actual occurrence I worry about). I'm off work for another week to recuperate. This is probably a good thing since many of you know that I will have a full-scale take on the world, again, attitude. I started chemo last Thursday. All in all it went well. There are the side affects like vomit, diarrhea and chills. But seriously, That wasn't the whole time and I consider myself lucky. My hair is supposed to "fall out" within 10-14 days. I figure if I wash it only every other day I can prolong looking like Mr. Jackson. Just a little longer....

Hematoma

So I know it's been over a week since I posted. It's the Polish Procrastination Gene I carry...seriously though. It makes me delayed for everything in my life! So last week I had a double mastectomy and node removal. My friends and nurses were awesome to say the least. When it came time to go home (and believe me I was ready) I thought about taking the nurses with me. It would have been kind of like Big Love, only different. It's strange to see the little bulge of a belly I have without breasts to balance me out. In their place is a horizontal scar that states loudly "Yes, breasts were here!" I have a port for chemo put in on my left side. It's foreign to have this thing in me that slightly protrudes and itches as the stitches dissolve. I had three drains put into place. My son nicknamed them my "babies" because I would carry them as I walked. I had them removed on Wednesday. Hallelujah! But wait! Before we sing a praise unto the Universe I have to tell you this story. I giggle at the grossness of it now, but really, I was terrified. OK: so I'm eating lunch at Yesterday's Cafe when all of a sudden I feel wet. I look down and pull up my shirt a little. There is a lot of drainage coming out from where the drains had been. A little was to be expected but this was more than that. In the car I look. Sure enough where I had no breast an hour ago I had one now. Back to the doctor's office. Hematoma. "It has to come out. Now." As the nurse takes off the dressing (mind you I am sitting up), blood squirts everywhere! I am given local anesthesia and my doctor takes the scalpel to me. The sound of skin being cut is something I never really wanted to know about outside of horror movies. At the end of this process I see it. Nasty! Gross! Intriguing! It had to be taken out in four different pieces after she had gotten two other pieces out. It was like a really well-set jello. This version of it is much more mild than how I tell it verbally. Trying to spare to reaction of heaving that it has gotten. Moral of the story: I should have been more specific when I prayed for new boobs.

synchronicity

Chopra teaches us that synchronicity is the foundation of life. Let me be a little more specific: nothing that happens to us is coincidence. Have you ever noticed that when you're in need of something somehow whatever you need comes into your path? Sure it may not happen exactly at the moment you want it to happen, but it happens when it's supposed to. So in my life things have worked out that way. For instance: I applied to do my clinical placement where I have my job currently. Needless to say, my application got lost in the shuffle. Months later I end up calling the HIV dept about something and my name rings a bell with Darla. I applied for a job and lo and behold--my career! So I tell this story because I believe that things happen to us and people come into our lives when it's supposed to happen. I have been so very blessed to have the love, friendship and support of my department (and really the whole clinic) that perhaps I may not have received should I have been elsewhere. This is synchronicity. Plain and simple.
Cancer has taught me to be more forgiving and less resentful. Mind you, not that I was carrying around a bag of resentments, but we all have our things to carry with us. I have learned a lot.
Tomorrow, I will learn what I always preach: beauty is not on the outside. Just remind me of that when I will be bald and boob-less. And really,  I'm in love with my boobs. But who else can head into their 40's with new boobs and  a head of new hair? Damn! I'm one lucky girl!    Mardi Gras, Here I come!